I’ve found my happiness

Oh hey! Who knows how many people are still subscribed but I just wanted to pop in and give a little update. Last I left you, I was beyond happy with where I had ended up for school. I am happy to say that this remained for the rest of the year. If any of you followed my blog last year, you know how miserable I was at my previous college. My depression was at an all time low and I didn’t feel the need to go on anymore. But I decided to give it another try and go to a different school in a whole different state. Best decision ever.

The friends I made are friends I will have for life. I could not have asked for a better college community. I love my major and all the professors in the department. I got a job and my managers/fellow employees are amazing. Overall, I’m happy.

Happiness is something I seemed to be so close, yet so far away from for the longest time. Everyday isn’t going to be rainbows and butterflies. Whoever says this is full of shit. You’re going to wake up with days where you just feel ‘blah.’ You aren’t going to always get stellar grades. But hey, life goes on. There is always another day and your family and friends will still love you.

But what’s most important is that you still love yourself on these ‘off’ days.

I still do. I know that the down feeling I have isn’t permanent and that I have the power to change it. So that’s exactly what I do. I change.

The eating disorder controlled my life for way to long. I was so scared of saying enough was enough. I mean, it was a part of me…how was I supposed to just let that go?? It’s not easy. You don’t wake up one morning saying, “Hey! I’m gonna eat a double bacon cheeseburger, fries, and a milk shake!” No. That doesn’t happen. The process of recovering is slow. Very very slow. At times, it may seem so slow that you just want to throw in the towel. But don’t do that! It’s so worth it!

I’m eating things that I never thought I would eat again. Butter, ice cream, beef, cheese, pastries, bacon, french fries. Now, you make look at this list and think it’s unhealthy. But to be honest, I have never felt healthier. I may not be able to run 8 miles like I used to but I am happy. My jeans still fit. I haven’t weighed myself in about two years. I went from weighing myself everyday (sometimes twice) to not weighing myself in over two years.

Mentally fit > Physically fit

I’m sure there will be people who don’t agree with me on that one but I’m sorry, it’s true. I’ve learned this the hard way. I used to make myself go on runs and now, I honestly am not a big fan of running. I pushed myself too far for too long. It got to me.

All right I’ve rambled for too long. But I just wanted to get this off my chest. I also wanted to say that I probably won’t be going back to blogging. I feel like way too many “healthy” living blogs are disordered. That doesn’t mean all of them! Some of them are just so…sad to read. You read them and think, “YOU DON’T NEED TO LIVE THIS WAY!” But then you remember how stubborn disordered people are. I know, I was there. (God bless my family for being so patient with me.)

Eat a burger, have fun with friends and family, don’t stress about working out, and just live life. It’s really and truly beautiful once you go out and live it. Take a leap of faith, it’s worth it.

 

this isn’t a, “goodbye.” just a, “see you a later.”

Hi. Remember me? If not, don’t worry. I’m not offended.

So as you can tell by my title, I’m gonna take a break from blogging. It’s nothing bad, really! It’s actually all good. Really, truly amazing. Blogging is time consuming and to be honest, I would rather spend that time with my friends.

I love this school. This state. These people. My life. I am happy, and I will never get tired of saying that. I’ve worked hard to reach this happiness and gosh darn it, I’m not letting it go.

If you ever need somebody to talk to about disordered eating, depression, body image, school, life, running, exercise, or just to say hi, you are moreee than welcome to send me an email ( adidasqueen1000@yahoo.com ). You are also more than welcome to add me on Facebook. If you’re a reader or fellow blogger, keep in touch!

I may be back to this good ‘ol blog one of these days, but for now, I just want you all to know that you are amazing. Thank you so much for your continued support. Without your help, I wouldn’t be where I am today. And today, I am happy, healthy, and right where I need to be.

See you later.

I’m Home

Long time no blog! These past couple of weeks have been m.a.d.n.e.s.s. In a good way though! Let me bring you all up to date as to what I have been doing:

  • I moved into my dorm and have decorated like crazy.
  • I started classes. Love them all so far.
  • I have met amazing people. I already know some will be lifelong friends.
  • I have been happy. Very. Very. Very. Happy.
  • I got first place in the Welcome Week 5k. (Pat on the back, Haley.)
  • I played in an intramural basketball game. We lost first round but it was still fun.
  • I played in intramural dodgeball. Once again, got out first round…and hit in the stomach. Good things I have abs of steel ;)
  • I went to the first football game of the season. We crushed the other team. Holla! My friends and I got into it by painting our faces. Gotta show that school pride.
  • I hung out with people until 1am playing guitar and singing. A very cool and peaceful experience.
  • I’ve checked out a few churches.
  • I’ve done community service work. We collected cans for the homeless. It was about 100 degrees out but so worth it.
  • I did a Brazilian martial arts class. That was interesting…
  • I did 3 hours of zumba.
  • I also think I have found what I would like to do with my life: nutritionist in an eating disorder. Since recovering, I have found how amazing life is without an ED and I want to share that with those suffering. Life is beautiful and so are you.

Let me tell you what I have not been doing:

  • Allowing the ED to control my life. I have seriously never felt more free from the ED that held me back just a little while ago. I am eating food that I once refused to eat. I don’t focus on exercise after eating a certain meal. I just roll with the punches and accept what comes my way. For example, at the tailgate for the football game, it was pulled pork sandwiches and chips. Uhhh…can you say fear food central?? Well I didn’t let it stop me from enjoying the people I was with. So I ate the food. And I’m still alive today. *gasp*
  • Sitting in my room. I spend as little time in my dorm as possible. It’s not a bad thing! It’s just that there is so many more things to do. Library, campus center, friend’s dorm, you name it. I am basically only in my dorm to sleep/nap. I gotta socialize!

So to put it simply, life is amazing right now. I’ve never been happier. This school is where I am supposed to be. I’ve found a place I can call home. I know it’s still pretty early in the year but I definitely didn’t feel like this last year at my old school.

Thank you, Texas. I’m home.

P.S. I’m sorry for not commenting all your blogs like I would like! Once life slows down, you better believe I will be back to reading. In the meantime, stay awesome ya’ll!

for the first time in a long time….

I’m happy. 

When I wake up in the morning, I am excited about what the day brings. Who I’ll see, what I’ll do, and what will happen. It’s a combination of things. First off, school. I’ve only been here a couple of days and I love it. Everyone is so darn nice and I am beyond stoked to get started with my major. I like my roommate and the other girls in my dorm. So all that is going well.

Another reason I’m happy is because of the boy I’ve talked about. Even though he is still in California and I’m now in Texas, I’ve never felt so cared for as I have since being with him. I feel special and I’m happy. But the hard part about all this is my dad. He still doesn’t approve. As a matter of fact, he threatened to send me home if I continued to talk to the boy. No school. So we made an agreement but he still doesn’t trust me. But the thing he doesn’t see is that I’m HAPPY with school and the boy. Take away one part of it, and I’m not happy anymore.

I see where my dad is coming from. He is my father and I am his baby girl. But at the same time, if I’m happy with where my life is, he should accept that. Also, in order to grow up, I need to make mistakes. Maybe this relationship is a mistake. Who knows. But I need to learn from situations like this.

I have become such a strong person through the years and I know I can handle myself so much better when stressful situations arise. Also, in a way, the boy has helped me with the eating disorder. Being a Texas boy, he is used to eating meat and potatoes. In turn, I have eaten burgers, french fries, and other foods I used to refuse to eat. I don’t go home regretting what I ate because I’m happy with where my life is. I’m happy with school and my relationship. What would make it even better is if my dad was there to be happy for me too.

Any advice? 

where has the summer gone?

To say this summer was amazing is an understatement. It was the first summer in about 5 years that I didn’t have basketball controlling my life. I lived life like a normal teen: summer job, beach, friends, etc. It was also the first summer in a long time where I didn’t feel the ED controlling my every thought and move. It was such a free feeling and I wouldn’t take this past summer back for anything. Since it was so amazing, let’s look over some highlights :)

  • Like I said, I got a summer job at a vegan restaurant. I absolutely lovedddd working there! I made some amazing friendships and learned a lot. I hope to go back next summer, but who knows. 
  • I took some summer classes. Those weren’t fun, but they were online so that helped. Not gonna lie, I wasn’t the best student. I turned in some assignments late, didn’t do some readings, and sometimes just skipped out on assignments all together. But I got my shiz together and passed both classes! 
  • I’ve been a bad blogger this summer. I owe you all an apology! I’m sorry. Things were going so fast this summer that if I was on the computer, it was only to do the summer class work. When I post less, my life is generally going better. This blog is my outlet so if things are going reallyyy bad, I blog almost on a daily basis. But if they’re going good, I just pop in every once in awhile. So, things have been going good!
  • I also want to apologize for not commenting on all your blogs. There were times where I just had to empty my reader because I had zero time.
  • I conquered fear foods like no other. I posted about it here but I also faced (and defeated) a lot more. Cheese, ice cream, butter, red meat, unorganic chicken, white bread, candy, grilled cheese, french fries, and cupcakes (vegan and non vegan). I even ate a Taco Bell quesadilla. If somebody were to look at this list, they would say it was unhealthy. But to be honest, I’ve never felt healthier. Because I’m not focusing so much on what I’m eating, I have been able to loosen up and focus on the people around me and how I’m feeling. My mental health has never been better. Therefore, I feel better about myself. 
  • I loosened up a lot. I used to be such a prick. No joke. During high school, it was school, basketball practice, or home. I didn’t do anything fun. This has been the summer for me to let loose. I hung out with friends on a whim and even drank. I know I sound like a hypocrite because I posted about not drinking here but I’ve reconsidered a lot in my life. 
  • I got a boyfriend. My dad still hates this, therefore, he does not know that we are still dating. It’s been going really good between the boy and me. He got back from pre deployment and we hung out a couple of times. Now I’m off to Texas but he will visit his family in September and visit me in the process.
  • I got, not 1, but 2 cartilage piercings! My motto this summer has been YOLO. I know it’s overused and annoying but it’s so great. My parents weren’t too mad about the first piercing so I decided to get the second one. Partly for me, partly to piss my dad off. I told my mom about it but my dad hasn’t even noticed yet. YOLO.
  • I went to the beach a lot more than usual. I have never been a beach person. But this summer, I realized that I actually like to go! I went with my friends a few times and even solo a few. I’m gonna miss it, that’s for sure. 
  • I went to a couple concerts. I talked about the Tim McGraw/Kenny Chesney concert here but I also went to a Brantley Gilbert/Toby Keith concert. I am a hugeeee Brantley Gilbert fan so that’s how I originally heard about the concert. Brantley was amazing, didn’t cease to amaze me, that’s for sure. And Toby Keith was an awesome entertainer! 
  • My friendships got stronger. I used to always be the girl who would make up a lame excuse when asked to hang out. But now, I’m the one asking my friends to hang out. Or if they call last minute, I’m more than likely to say yes. I got much closer with my friends and I’m going to miss them SO much. And that just about sums up my summer! I’m currently in Albuquerque, New Mexico and we make the final part of the drive into Texas tomorrow. So. Stoked!

What was your highlight from the summer?  

a summer lovin’ WIAW

Hey-o! And I’m back. Things have been busy around these parts, plus I’ve been trying to enjoy every last bit of summer I have left. Family, friends, beach, kayaking, parties. That basically sums up this past week. Another exciting thing that happened was that I had my first ever blogger meet-up! I met up with Theresa at Yogurtland while she was home for the weekend. She was just as sweet, nice, and funny as she is on her blog! I loved sitting down and talking to her and can’t wait to keep it touch :)

Egg white and veggies on an oat bran bagel

My favorite Starbucks drink (and yes, they hate me when I order this)

Ensalada Azetca from work: romaine (I subbed in kale), mango lime vinagrette, avocado, currants, pumpkin seeds, jicama, and salsa

Mint chocolate protein powder and water

Tofu spring rolls

Breakfast with my friend! She got the bowl and I got the Chocolate Dream smoothie which has avocado, nut milk, ice, agave, cocoa powder, carob nibs, and dates

Veggie spring rolls, peanut sauce, crackers of some sort, and wasabi peas

Nachos at work made into a burrito and some leftover fries from a coworker. Healthy? Nope. Delicious. You bet.

“Greenie Bowl” which has acai berries, banana, nut milk, kale, and spinach topped with bananas, strawberries, blueberries, and granola

Red curry soup from work. My favorite!

Beach food: Chicken breast, avocado, and chipotle sauce

Nacho pizza from work. This really isn’t on the menu but the cook made it for me and it’s basically “taco meat,” chipotle sauce, salsa, black beans, green onions, romaine, and tortilla strips on a whole wheat pizza crust.

Sandwich from Whole Foods the size of my face. Hummus, baba ganoush, chicken, lettuce, tomato, red onion, carrots, cucumber, daiya cheese, and avocado on a whole wheat baguette

Apple with almond butter and raw oats

We had a little going away party for my sister and me so my mom made some Southern food in honor of Texas. Chicken gumbo and cornbread. Holla!
Pecan bar and coconut cupcake
Chicken, avocado, roasted veggies, tomato, and BBQ sauce
Vanilla cupcake + beach = perfection

And there you have it! Now I’m off to work!

Have you ever done a blogger meet up before?
How have you been enjoying this last bit of summer?
What’s the best thing you’ve eaten recently? 

do you ever…

Hear a song that sends chills down your back? I don’t know if my current emotions at the time, the fact that country music is just so darn amazing, or a combination of the two. Everything is still going great, but my emotions are all over the place! Not only is it *cough* that time of month, but add in the fact that I miss my boyfriend, and I leave for Texas in 2 (TWO!) weeks, I’ve been a bit on edge. Lately I have been absolutely loving anything by Josh Abbott Band and Kip Moore. Play either one and I’m sure to get all giddy.

See a music video that basically describes your life at the moment? I turned on the TV this morning and CMT music videos were playing. Well it just so happened to be “Ours” by Taylor Swift. I could not believe how accurate the song and music video was. Let’s look at some of the lyrics, shall we?

“Seems like there’s always someone who disapproves” MY DAD! It’s not that he necessarily ‘disapproves’ of the relationship, but I think he wants to look over his baby girl as much as possible.

“Your hands are tough but they are where mine belong in” Okay this might be corny or whatever but he works on helicopters so by the end of the day, his hands are greasy and rough.  

‘”Cause I love the gap between your teeth” True. I do.

“And any snide remarks from my father about your tattoos will be ignored” My dad hatesss tattoos but guess what, my boyfriend has one. 

Then the music videos finishes off with Taylor Swift seeing her boyfriend who is a marine! Taylor Swift speaking to my life, once again.

See something on pinterest or other blogs and think, “Holy cow. That’s me!”? Thanks to Alex, I realized that I have yet another thing wrong with me.

Thanks a lot Alex! Just kidding ;) But really, if you chew or breathe annoyingly, I will stare you down. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Find something online and know you HAVE to get it? This is what happened the other day when I saw this phone case. I love me some patriotism.

Been in a food rut? Of course you have, I’m talking to health food bloggers. Well lately I have been loving some protein-pumpkin-banana-walnut-chocolate-chip pancakes for breakfast. Long name? Yes. Delicious? Yes. Thanks to Powercakes for inspiring these addicting little guys.

In a magic bullet, blend together:
-6 egg whites
-1/4c canned pumpkin
-1/4c unsweetened almond milk
-dash of vanilla
-a few drops stevia
-2 Tbsp coconut flour
-1 Tbsp ground flax seeds
-dash of baking powder
-cinnamon

Once blended, mix in:
-1 sliced banana
-walnuts
-chocolate chips

Cook. Enjoy. Become addicted.

Can you relate to any of these?
Make your own: Do you ever….