Through the years

I’ve come a long way since high school, since starting this blog, since just a few months ago. I’m a a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. If it weren’t for my past history with the eating disorder and depression, I wouldn’t be who I am today. And I love who I am. It didn’t always be like that, but I can look back on my life thus far and be proud of who I have grown up to be. Let’s rewind a little, shall we?

2 years ago…
I was heading into my senior year of high school. It was actually a pretty stressful time because I was playing club basketball (which I hated with a passion) and had my high school basketball team summer practices. I was still trying to be seen by college coaches, in hopes to get a scholarship. By this point in the summer, I wasn’t purging very much, only restricting. My food journal never left my side and numbers were constantly flying through my head. I was exercising about 4 hours a day, between club and high school practices. On top of that, we would have tournaments on the weekends, some of which included traveling to San Diego, Las Vegas, Phoenix, and Oregon. I remember crying on my way to those club practices. I absolutely dreaded it. High school practices were actually fun and I didn’t mind those. My social life was at a major low. All my time was spent working out, sleeping, or restricting my eating. Definitely not the way my last high school summer should have been spent.

1 year ago…
By this point, I have my basketball scholarship. So in a way, that should have taken a load off of my shoulders. But nope! I was even more stressed out about being in shape and being good enough for the college team. We were given a workout plan to follow 6 days a week. I also had a job for the beginning of summer so between 8 hour shifts and working out, I had zero time to do anything besides sleep. I was hating life and my body couldn’t take it anymore so I quit the job. My eating disorder was doing somewhat better at this point. I was still seeing my therapist and nutritionist so that helped. But during this summer, I also had some run ins with depression. This brings in the medication.

9 months ago…
This would put us at October 2011. The first month of school was amazing. I was meeting a lot of people and having the time of my life. But slowly, things began to sink in. Between school, basketball, and trying to have a social life, my mood was taking a turn for the worst. One day after practice, I had enough. I was balling my eyes out and talking to my mom on the phone when I said something that no mother wants to hear. I said, “Don’t be surprised if I’m found dead in my room.” I still can’t believe I said such a horrible thing but I was at such a low point, I just wanted it all to end. As soon as I said those words, my parents were looking up flights for me to come home. I spent the next week at home going back and forth between therapy appointments until I finally made one of the best decisions of my life: I quit basketball. Sure, I was a bit sad about it. Basketball was in my life for 9 years. But at the same time, I had to do what was best for me.

6 months…
Life at this point is going okay. It’s February and I made it through my first semester of college but I’m still not happy with how things are going. My medication has changed so I’m still adjusting to that and I lost a lot of friends due to my earlier bouts of depression and isolation. Bulimia and restriction come back in every once in awhile but not like it controlled my life before.

4 months…
This was a horrible, horrible time in my life. I was at an all time low. Between school and my general feeling of hopelessness, I just wanted it all to end. The eating disorder was becoming stronger and my depression was taking a hold of me. I remember one day in particular. It was a Saturday, campus was empty as usual, and I was feeling so lonely and like there was no point to life anymore. I was laying in my bed, crying, when I grabbed the bottle of pills from my drawer. I spent the next 30 minutes holding that bottle, just laying there, so many thoughts going through my head. Finally, I got up, went to the bathroom, and flushed those pills down the toilet. It wasn’t worth it.

3 months…
I made the decision to transfer schools so things are looking up. I no longer have to spend the next few years of my life at that horrible place. I can move on to bigger and better things. I traveled around, looking at possible schools to attend. As soon as my feet touched Texas soil, I fell in love. Nothing else compared to how at home I felt being there. I felt at peace with my decision of where my future was headed.

Pure and utter happiness. My relationships have never been better, I have never smiled so much, and for once in my life, I’m not stressing about what will happen tomorrow. I’m living my life like any 19 year old should: care-free, happy, and (sort of) stress free. I have eaten foods that I used to refuse to eat, I’m going out and hanging out with friends, and most importantly, I feel a reason to live. I’m sure there will be stressors in the near future, considering I leave for Texas in 19 days, but I’m not worrying about that now. For now, I’m enjoying my life, one day at a time. I’ve been through my ups and my downs but at the end of the day, I know I can make it through whatever comes my way.

Side note: I just wanted to thank each and every one of you for your continued support. You have been with me through the good times and the bad and I can’t even begin to explain how much that means to me. So thank you thank you thank youuuu!


26 thoughts on “Through the years

  1. Oh. my. lanta. AMAZING.
    This post brought me to the brink of tears– your journey has been nothing less than intense, but the happiness you feel now probably made all the struggles worth it in the end. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through so much in such a short amount of time, but I honestly believe all of it has made you a stronger, happier person. The smile that crossed my face when I read the “currently” part was bigger than the galaxy. ๐Ÿ˜€ I know you’re going to just THRIVE here in Texas– God has amazing plans for your life my friend. Sometimes it takes coming to the brink of death to realize just how precious life truly is. You’re on the path to success and I can’t wait to see the adventures you have coming your way! ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. So amazing how much can change in such a short period of time! I am really glad that you are doing so well now, that’s just absolutely perfect! I really hope that you enjoy college in Texas, it’s going to be quite a change!

  3. Your ability to be so open and share all this is such an inspiration. Your blog is one of the few I follow regularly. I completely agree that everything happens for a reason, I’m glad you’re so happy now!! ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. This is so inspiring Haley! It’s amazing how far you’ve come. Let me say, I am SO HAPPY and PROUD that you flushed that bottle of pills away. You are awesome girl, don’t let anyone tell you differently. I can’t wait to see how much you love Texas! Stay strong. ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. You rock. This post is amazing and I hope it allows you to see how far you have come I am amazing with how much you have grown and adapted. Adaption is hard with an ED but you overcame that by fighting the hard fight and switching schools. I am so happy to hear the place you are at. This makes my day!

  6. Such a great post! It takes a lot to put such raw posts like this one out there, but it is truly inspiring and I’m so happy for you that you can say you are completely content and happy with your life now! I’ve been following your blog for a while now, actually, but this is just my first time commenting on anything. It makes me so happy that you’ve overcome so much and are in such a better place now. Fantastic stuff! ๐Ÿ˜€

  7. Haley, you are amazing for opening up and sharing this. I think that just the fact that you are able to reflect back on your hardest days shows that you are in a much much better (and happier) place in life. Hold on to that happiness and don’t let it escape you ever again! Everything really does happen for a reason (that’s literally my life mantra).

  8. this is AMAZING Haley!! It really does astound me how far youโ€™ve come since youโ€™ve started blogging. Sometimes when yourโ€™e in those โ€œlowโ€ points, itโ€™s really hard to see how youโ€™re ever going to be okay – and not just okay, how youโ€™re going to be awesome. But you fight, ad you get through it and then al of a sudden….youโ€™ve made it! Iโ€™m so happy for you and proud of you and I know youโ€™re going to ROCK IT in Texas! ๐Ÿ™‚

  9. Thankyou for sharing this! You have come such a long way, in a quite a short time.
    I am so glad that currently you are enjoying life as you should! Care-free and happy ๐Ÿ™‚
    I played basketball in high school as well, and stopped after 11th grade cause it was too stressful and I was in a really bad place ed wise. Sad yes, but now I have found much better things in life! Keep loving life.

  10. You are amazing! You’ve been through SO much and it’s so inspiring how you’ve come out of it in such a happy place! I’m sure you’re going to have such an awesome time at your new school with your new attitude. I can’t wait to hear about how it all goes for you! ๐Ÿ™‚

  11. Haley,Haley,Haley! I am so,so,SO relieved and glad and excited you’re so happy right now.
    I know you’ve been through so much pain,fear and frustration already and I clearly remember how worried I’ve been about you only a few months ago – for a reason,obviously! That story with the pills scares me,please promise me you’ll never do something like that,please. It’s not worth it,you’re perfectly right,and on top of that,you’re needed. Your friends,your family,WE – you don’t know what such an action would do to us,honestly.
    BUT gladly,you were able to think rationally enough to flush those pills down the toilet,and here you are: A beautiful,strong young lady with an incredibly pretty smile and a wonderful personality.
    Believe me,girl,the hapiness you’re feeling right now is what you deserve. Live your life,savor it,and if you feel like it,let us become a part of your journey. ๐Ÿ™‚

  12. Oh my gosh darling, you are SUCH an amazing person!!! You’ve been through so much, but I’m so glad you’re not letting your past get in the way of your amazing future! you have so many amazing things going for you ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m so glad you’re able to see that!!!

    I’m SO glad I’ve “met” you even if it’s just through the blog world ๐Ÿ™‚ You’re amazing!

  13. It’s amazing how much you’ve been through in the past couple years to be in such a good place now. I’m glad that you’re doing so well! Thank goodness you chose to flush those pills. Go have an amazing year in Texas! You definitely deserve it!

  14. Oh my goodness. This brought tears to my eyes! I had no idea the extent of what you’ve been through over the past two years. Your future is filled with so many beautiful and exciting things and I can’t wait to see where life takes you. This is only the beginning of your journey and I’m SO proud of you for getting to this point. It truly is amazing. (:

  15. This is the first post of yours I’ve read, and it’s beautiful and inspiring. In some ways (dealing with depression, medication, isolation, college life, transferring colleges…) I could relate. Powerful words and writing. I’m glad you’re doing better and I hope you continue on a fantastic, fun, loving path. xox

  16. Awww this post makes me so so happy. Coming from someone who didn’t exactly love high school either, these last 365 days have honestly been some of the most–if not the most–transformative of my life. I have hit the highest highs and also the lowest lows, and while I wouldn’t say it was an easy years (or past few years) by any means, I am grateful for what I have learned. I’m so happy you’ve found peace with yourself, your college decision, your relationship with food, etc. Truly, it makes me happy to know all that, girl. ๐Ÿ™‚

  17. I can totally relate to all of this. I think it is helpful to read so many comments and blogs/posts how others are going through the same things. I know there were times, especially when I started college, where I thought I was the only one experiencing all of this. I also like how you put in inspirational quotes into the post. I wrote a blog while abroad and would end each post with one. I also have dedicated an entire pinterest board to it and LOVE them! They definitely keep me in the moment and remind me, like you did, that everything happens for a reason – whether we plan for it or not. Keep looking towards the future and your mind on the positive things in life!

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