I’ve found my happiness

Oh hey! Who knows how many people are still subscribed but I just wanted to pop in and give a little update. Last I left you, I was beyond happy with where I had ended up for school. I am happy to say that this remained for the rest of the year. If any of you followed my blog last year, you know how miserable I was at my previous college. My depression was at an all time low and I didn’t feel the need to go on anymore. But I decided to give it another try and go to a different school in a whole different state. Best decision ever.

The friends I made are friends I will have for life. I could not have asked for a better college community. I love my major and all the professors in the department. I got a job and my managers/fellow employees are amazing. Overall, I’m happy.

Happiness is something I seemed to be so close, yet so far away from for the longest time. Everyday isn’t going to be rainbows and butterflies. Whoever says this is full of shit. You’re going to wake up with days where you just feel ‘blah.’ You aren’t going to always get stellar grades. But hey, life goes on. There is always another day and your family and friends will still love you.

But what’s most important is that you still love yourself on these ‘off’ days.

I still do. I know that the down feeling I have isn’t permanent and that I have the power to change it. So that’s exactly what I do. I change.

The eating disorder controlled my life for way to long. I was so scared of saying enough was enough. I mean, it was a part of me…how was I supposed to just let that go?? It’s not easy. You don’t wake up one morning saying, “Hey! I’m gonna eat a double bacon cheeseburger, fries, and a milk shake!” No. That doesn’t happen. The process of recovering is slow. Very very slow. At times, it may seem so slow that you just want to throw in the towel. But don’t do that! It’s so worth it!

I’m eating things that I never thought I would eat again. Butter, ice cream, beef, cheese, pastries, bacon, french fries. Now, you make look at this list and think it’s unhealthy. But to be honest, I have never felt healthier. I may not be able to run 8 miles like I used to but I am happy. My jeans still fit. I haven’t weighed myself in about two years. I went from weighing myself everyday (sometimes twice) to not weighing myself in over two years.

Mentally fit > Physically fit

I’m sure there will be people who don’t agree with me on that one but I’m sorry, it’s true. I’ve learned this the hard way. I used to make myself go on runs and now, I honestly am not a big fan of running. I pushed myself too far for too long. It got to me.

All right I’ve rambled for too long. But I just wanted to get this off my chest. I also wanted to say that I probably won’t be going back to blogging. I feel like way too many “healthy” living blogs are disordered. That doesn’t mean all of them! Some of them are just so…sad to read. You read them and think, “YOU DON’T NEED TO LIVE THIS WAY!” But then you remember how stubborn disordered people are. I know, I was there. (God bless my family for being so patient with me.)

Eat a burger, have fun with friends and family, don’t stress about working out, and just live life. It’s really and truly beautiful once you go out and live it. Take a leap of faith, it’s worth it.