Through the years

I’ve come a long way since high school, since starting this blog, since just a few months ago. I’m a a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. If it weren’t for my past history with the eating disorder and depression, I wouldn’t be who I am today. And I love who I am. It didn’t always be like that, but I can look back on my life thus far and be proud of who I have grown up to be. Let’s rewind a little, shall we?

2 years ago…
I was heading into my senior year of high school. It was actually a pretty stressful time because I was playing club basketball (which I hated with a passion) and had my high school basketball team summer practices. I was still trying to be seen by college coaches, in hopes to get a scholarship. By this point in the summer, I wasn’t purging very much, only restricting. My food journal never left my side and numbers were constantly flying through my head. I was exercising about 4 hours a day, between club and high school practices. On top of that, we would have tournaments on the weekends, some of which included traveling to San Diego, Las Vegas, Phoenix, and Oregon. I remember crying on my way to those club practices. I absolutely dreaded it. High school practices were actually fun and I didn’t mind those. My social life was at a major low. All my time was spent working out, sleeping, or restricting my eating. Definitely not the way my last high school summer should have been spent.

1 year ago…
By this point, I have my basketball scholarship. So in a way, that should have taken a load off of my shoulders. But nope! I was even more stressed out about being in shape and being good enough for the college team. We were given a workout plan to follow 6 days a week. I also had a job for the beginning of summer so between 8 hour shifts and working out, I had zero time to do anything besides sleep. I was hating life and my body couldn’t take it anymore so I quit the job. My eating disorder was doing somewhat better at this point. I was still seeing my therapist and nutritionist so that helped. But during this summer, I also had some run ins with depression. This brings in the medication.

9 months ago…
This would put us at October 2011. The first month of school was amazing. I was meeting a lot of people and having the time of my life. But slowly, things began to sink in. Between school, basketball, and trying to have a social life, my mood was taking a turn for the worst. One day after practice, I had enough. I was balling my eyes out and talking to my mom on the phone when I said something that no mother wants to hear. I said, “Don’t be surprised if I’m found dead in my room.” I still can’t believe I said such a horrible thing but I was at such a low point, I just wanted it all to end. As soon as I said those words, my parents were looking up flights for me to come home. I spent the next week at home going back and forth between therapy appointments until I finally made one of the best decisions of my life: I quit basketball. Sure, I was a bit sad about it. Basketball was in my life for 9 years. But at the same time, I had to do what was best for me.

6 months…
Life at this point is going okay. It’s February and I made it through my first semester of college but I’m still not happy with how things are going. My medication has changed so I’m still adjusting to that and I lost a lot of friends due to my earlier bouts of depression and isolation. Bulimia and restriction come back in every once in awhile but not like it controlled my life before.

4 months…
This was a horrible, horrible time in my life. I was at an all time low. Between school and my general feeling of hopelessness, I just wanted it all to end. The eating disorder was becoming stronger and my depression was taking a hold of me. I remember one day in particular. It was a Saturday, campus was empty as usual, and I was feeling so lonely and like there was no point to life anymore. I was laying in my bed, crying, when I grabbed the bottle of pills from my drawer. I spent the next 30 minutes holding that bottle, just laying there, so many thoughts going through my head. Finally, I got up, went to the bathroom, and flushed those pills down the toilet. It wasn’t worth it.

3 months…
I made the decision to transfer schools so things are looking up. I no longer have to spend the next few years of my life at that horrible place. I can move on to bigger and better things. I traveled around, looking at possible schools to attend. As soon as my feet touched Texas soil, I fell in love. Nothing else compared to how at home I felt being there. I felt at peace with my decision of where my future was headed.

Currently…
Pure and utter happiness. My relationships have never been better, I have never smiled so much, and for once in my life, I’m not stressing about what will happen tomorrow. I’m living my life like any 19 year old should: care-free, happy, and (sort of) stress free. I have eaten foods that I used to refuse to eat, I’m going out and hanging out with friends, and most importantly, I feel a reason to live. I’m sure there will be stressors in the near future, considering I leave for Texas in 19 days, but I’m not worrying about that now. For now, I’m enjoying my life, one day at a time. I’ve been through my ups and my downs but at the end of the day, I know I can make it through whatever comes my way.

Side note: I just wanted to thank each and every one of you for your continued support. You have been with me through the good times and the bad and I can’t even begin to explain how much that means to me. So thank you thank you thank youuuu!