Do you ever have an experience where things just…click? Where you all of a sudden take the blindfold off and see what is truly in front of you, rather than only seeing what you want to see. I think this happens a lot with eating disorders. People with ED’s walk around not seeing what they are doing themselves and the repercussions that come along with it. Sometimes they need a kick in the butt for them to truly see the truth.
I don’t remember the exact day when I had my turning point, but I remember where I was. It was almost a year ago today I had recently graduated high school and was now working on the upcoming college season of basketball. The coach had sent out a workout plan which included 3 days of weights and 3 days of track work. But of course I needed to do more so in addition to the weight days, I would do some cardio. And in addition to the track work, I ran a few more laps than necessary.
I was constantly hungry which is no shocker considering the amount I worked out. One night, I was still hungry after dinner so I snacked on some fruit and yogurt. But I was still hungry. I didn’t want to eat though because I already broke my rule of eating after dinner. When I told my mom I was still hungry, I was practically frustrated about it. That’s when she stopped what she was doing and looked me straight in the eye and said, “Yeah, it’s because you’re working out. Your body needs fuel for what your doing and you can’t keep running off of fruits and vegetables. With the amount of time you’re working out, you need to add more fats and protein into your meals throughout the day.” It’s like a light when off.
Of course she said it all in a motherly tone, but it all made so much sense to me. I need to eat. At this point, the thought of eating even a tiny bit of peanut butter scared me. Heck, any sort of fat scared the living day lights out of me! So after that conversation, I had a bowl of oatmeal with flax seeds in it. Flax seeds = fat. Yeah, it was scary, but something weird happen…I was full afterwards.
I still struggled with eating fats for a little while after that, but I still did it. Little by little it became less of a struggle. My body was reacting well to the addition of fat into my body. It was as if it was saying, “Thank You!”
That turning point was basically crucial for me at that point in my life. I can’t even begin to imagine how the rest of my training would have been on that same eating plan. My transition definitely didn’t happen overnight. Yeah, my mom talked to me and I was able to eat some fat but that didn’t take away the fear. And I most definitely wasn’t able to jump head first into a jar of peanut butter the next day. But over time, it got better. Now I make sure to have some sort of fat at every meal. Slowly but surely I will completely let go of my ED thoughts. But for now, I’ll eat my peanut butter and be happy with where I am.
What was your turning point? It doesn’t have to be ED related!