It’s that time of year again: people wanting to change something about themselves for the upcoming year. I don’t have a list of things that I want to change. There’s just one. It doesn’t have to do with running. Or school. Or saving money. It has do with bulimia.
For the past two years, I have dealt with this. There have been periods of no purging, and periods of, well, purging. Over this past summer, I never purged. Not once. I was happy with where I was at with school, basketball, weight, and family. I was even happier at the fact that I never threw up.
Then I went away to school. The first week was great. I was meeting friends and having a genuinely good time. Then basketball started. That brought in the 6am practices and 3 hour afternoon practices. My stress level sky-rocketed and purging allowed me to deal with it. That’s when the depression hit. I came home for a week and the purging didn’t get any better. Until I decided to quite basketball.
When I went back to school, it was like the first week all over again. I was so happy to not have the stress of basketball hanging over my head.
But whenever some sort of stress would come about, the bulimia would creep back into my life. Purging is a way for me to release stress. It makes me feel numb.
I don’t want to do it anymore though. I know how horrible it is for me. I know how much it hurts my family. I don’t want to break down every time something stressful comes into my life.