Let’s rewind to about a year and a half ago. At that time, I was at the worst of my ED and miserable. I was basically living off of vegetables, egg whites, and fiber one cereal. Tasty, right? So that went on for awhile and then I was finally able to get help. I was at the beginning of my recovery around Thanksgiving time. So you can imagine the anxiety that arose when Thanksgiving meal rolled around. I was basically only willing to eat the turkey so my mom made me separate food that she knew I would eat. So I basically had my own Thanksgiving meal. The meal included lots of veggies, roasted sweet potatoes (with no oil), stuffing (with whole wheat bread and barely any oil), and turkey. I mean, this is a great meal. It’s nutritious and tasted good, but I wasn’t able to enjoy the typical food like everyone else. I was so freaked out of fats that the thought of mashed potatoes made my anxiety skyrocket.
Fast forward a couple of months and I am finally eating peanut butter. Not often, but peanut butter nonetheless. Fast forward to the summer and I was eating peanut butter everyday, multiple times a day. And that’s still how it is today. I always say, “When all else fails, eat peanut butter.” So the fat thing has gotten better. It’s just certain fats that I am still scared of: butter, cheese, cream, etc.
So that brings me to today. I have no idea how Thanksgiving dinner will go. My hope is that I will be able to eat what everyone else is eating. But at the same time, I have to be rational and realize that when it’s come right down to it, I probably won’t be able to. Of course, I am going to push myself, but I don’t even know if I like the taste of those foods anymore.
Now don’t get me wrong. I have come so far this past year. But it’s kind of like I am at a safe spot with my eating. I have a bubble of foods that I am okay eating. But once I go outside that bubble, I freak out a little inside. So there’s no denying that I have come a long way. Yet, there is also no denying that I have an ED some days.
I feel so comfortable with where I am at that I don’t want to go out of my comfort zone. Don’t get me wrong. I am happy. Really, really happy. Part of me doesn’t even like those foods because of the taste. But at the same time, I would like to eat a piece of pizza with friends if the situation came up.
My anxiety has risen a little bit this week since thinking about this but I think I am going to try and bring it up to my mom. That way, she would be able to help me.
But I just want to say it again: I am happy. I have not had any depressed or suicidal thoughts since my last episode, which was about two months ago. So don’t take this post as being depressed. It’s just typical ED/anxiety thoughts that come up to people while they’re in recovery.
Favorite color(s). This is the bedding in my dorm room and I fell in love with it right when I laid eyes on it at Target 🙂