let’s be honest

Let’s rewind to about a year and a half ago. At that time, I was at the worst of my ED and  miserable. I was basically living off of vegetables, egg whites, and fiber one cereal. Tasty, right? So that went on for awhile and then I was finally able to get help. I was at the beginning of my recovery around Thanksgiving time. So you can imagine the anxiety that arose when Thanksgiving meal rolled around. I was basically only willing to eat the turkey so my mom made me separate food that she knew I would eat. So I basically had my own Thanksgiving meal. The meal included lots of veggies, roasted sweet potatoes (with no oil), stuffing (with whole wheat bread and barely any oil), and turkey. I mean, this is a great meal. It’s nutritious and tasted good, but I wasn’t able to enjoy the typical food like everyone else. I was so freaked out of fats that the thought of mashed potatoes made my anxiety skyrocket. 

Fast forward a couple of months and I am finally eating peanut butter. Not often, but peanut butter nonetheless. Fast forward to the summer and I was eating peanut butter everyday, multiple times a day. And that’s still how it is today. I always say, “When all else fails, eat peanut butter.” So the fat thing has gotten better. It’s just certain fats that I am still scared of: butter, cheese, cream, etc. 

So that brings me to today. I have no idea how Thanksgiving dinner will go. My hope is that I will be able to eat what everyone else is eating. But at the same time, I have to be rational and realize that when it’s come right down to it, I probably won’t be able to. Of course, I am going to push myself, but I don’t even know if I like the taste of those foods anymore.

Now don’t get me wrong. I have come so far this past year. But it’s kind of like I am at a safe spot with my eating. I have a bubble of foods that I am okay eating. But once I go outside that bubble, I freak out a little inside. So there’s no denying that I have come a long way. Yet, there is also no denying that I have an ED some days. 

I feel so comfortable with where I am at that I don’t want to go out of my comfort zone. Don’t get me wrong. I am happy. Really, really happy. Part of me doesn’t even like those foods because of the taste. But at the same time, I would like to eat a piece of pizza with friends if the situation came up.

I am going to push myself on Thanksgiving. I am going to try and have a bite of mashed potatoes, stuffing, pie, etc. Hopefully I will come back with some good news, but who knows. 

My anxiety has risen a little bit this week since thinking about this but I think I am going to try and bring it up to my mom. That way, she would be able to help me.

But I just want to say it again: I am happy. I have not had any depressed or suicidal thoughts since my last episode, which was about two months ago. So don’t take this post as being depressed. It’s just typical ED/anxiety thoughts that come up to people while they’re in recovery.

And on that bright note…here is day 8 of the 30 day photo challenge:

Favorite color(s). This is the bedding in my dorm room and I fell in love with it right when I laid eyes on it at Target 🙂

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21 thoughts on “let’s be honest

  1. Just be strong and keep ya head up, girl. Eat what you want to eat, not what your ED thoughts want you to eat. One day won’t make you fat, so don’t put so much guilt on yourself for eating or feeling full. This is part of life so enjoy it 🙂

  2. Amazing post my friend, that takes some major guts to see an issue and deal with it head on. Thanksgiving may be a bit turbulent, but just look at how far you’ve come!! That’s what counts!! 🙂 You’re gonna enjoy those taters and tell that ED who’s boss this thanksgiving, I just know it.
    Ps–love your sheets heehee 😉

  3. you sound strong sweetheart! I think you will surprise yourself over Thanksgiving! I have faith in you girl ❤ I will be thinking of you! xoxoxoxo

    You can do it 🙂 just believe in yourself. This is what YOU want. Don't let ED win!

  4. Good luck Haley, I’m sure you will do great at Thanksgiving. The holidays can be really stressful anyway, and the ED on top of everything else can make things really hard. Maybe reframe your thinking – Thanksgiving is NOT about food, it’s about family and friends and making happy memories. You deserve to enjoy that! Never forget how strong you’ve been to get this far.

  5. You are such an honest and strong girl,Haley,I really wish you the best of luck over Thanksgiving.
    You deserve having a wonderful holiday in the midst of people you love; you deserve having fun and being free from ED thougts. Don’t let them ruin your holidays,it’s not worth all the pain and regret that will follow afterwards!

  6. It’s great you are able to recognize all the progress you’ve made so far, and yet still challenge yourself. I also have days where I struggle with certain things, the key is to keep your head up, do what you can and make little steps forward. You can do this girl!

  7. I love your honesty and I honestly thought that you had your ED longer than just 1.5 years ago because you have come so far. I think you’re going to do great this thanksgiving because you have improved so much in such little time!! I know it’s one of your fear foods, and it was one of mine, but make friends with butter and cream cheese. Seriously – what was my life without them!? I hope it all goes well!

  8. You are amazing for being so open in this post! I think the fact that you can talk about it like this just goes to show that you ARE strong enough to tell that ED to shut up. You’ve come so far already and I totally believe in you that you will make the best of this Thanksgiving. 🙂 ❤

  9. Eat whatever makes you feel comfortable! No need to force anything. You have already come far like you said. Enjoy the family and the food will be second to the company!

  10. I know exactly how you feel! You so badly want to participate in the family dinner and enjoy yourself. The food isn’t even what the day is about, being thankful about all the wonderful things we have is so hard to do when all you can focus on is the food, and others’ expectations of you. I so badly want to eat the gorgeous meal my mom has prepared, I can see how bad it hurts her when I don’t, but I also know she understands(to a certain extent) that if I could eat her homemade gravy I would eat it every.single.day. just b/c its that good. Stay strong and push yourself, the only thing you will regret is not trying all those delicious foods that you love! Great post, and Happy Thanksgiving!

  11. I love this post!! Thank you for being so honest and real about everything – I’ve been there and I know it’s tough.

    And thanksgiving is like the WORST holiday for people who are in ED-recovery. To be honest, I get nervous about it too, but the past year or two I decided to treat it as “just another meal”. No need to stuff myself silly or have 8 billion helpings of everything – its’ just another dinner! And if there’s something on the table that I truly enjoy, I eat it. If I truly don’t enjoy it, I don’t touch it! I don’t eat mashed potatoes because I don’t like the way they taste…but I love love LOVE stuffing so I will definitely eat that.

    Whatever you choose to do – challenge yourself or stick to what’s comfortable – I hope your thanksgiving’s a good one! and I bet with your mom there to help you and encourage you, you’ll have no trouble not just getting through it, but enjoying it too 🙂 ❤

  12. I so admire your honesty. I think that you are so wise! I hope that you are able to have an incredible Thanksgiving filled with JOY instead of anxiety! You have made so many AMAZING changes this year and so much progress (YAY Peanut Butter!).

  13. I will have a post like this coming soon but with my own twist to it. ! its a great thing to have support KEep fighting girl. We love you! 🙂

  14. I have some of the same thoughts about Thanksgiving, since I have a couple dietary restrictions, like milk for instance. But I try to do the best I can with what I have. Each little success is a step forward. We can do this. 🙂

  15. Just be strong. I’m freaking out about thanksgiving, too, but it sounds like you’re handling it better than I am. Try to enjoy it. I know I’ll have fun in the moment but once we leave my uncle’s house and go home I’m going to be having the worst time.

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