Today’s post is going to be a little different. I want to give you all an update of my recovery. It’s going to be wordy so skim if you must but I just wanted to let you all know how things are going.
I am still happy with my everything around me. My situation with friends and school has been just fine. I’ve just been struggling with myself. I haven’t been happy with my body. I know I should be. Trust me. I know. I have been running lots of races and doing good at it but I have an urge to lose a little weight. Just 5 lbs. That’s what I keep telling myself. Just 5 lbs. But last time I said that, the 5 lbs turned into 20 and I don’t want to go down that road again. One of my roommates wants to lose some weight so of course that has been on my mind. I have been able to overcome this feeling so many times. I have been able to use my rational side to push away the ED. But for some reason, it’s sticking around this time. I feel myself restricting again. Going towards the fruits and vegetables because they are “safe” food. Cutting away carbs and fats because they scare the crap out of me. But then I get hungry. And what do I do? I push it away. I will have a piece of fruit to curb that hunger. Then when I do have some sort of carb or fat, I dwell on it. Not as bad as last time. But it still happens. Like yesterday, I started planning my meals again. I can have this carb at this time and this protein at this time. I am able to push it away sometimes but then other times, I have this nagging urge to lose weight. I see pictures of myself when I was skinnier and I think how I want to be like that again. But then I think about how much I hated life. I keep trying to push those thoughts away but it’s just hard. No matter how hard I try, ED can just be stronger at times. It just sticks in my mind…no matter how far I’ve come.
Don’t get me wrong. I still believe how horrible the media sucks, how the scale sucks, and how weight should not matter. I know it sounds hypocritical and doesn’t make sense but EDs don’t make sense.