a wordy post

Today’s post is going to be a little different. I want to give you all an update of my recovery. It’s going to be wordy so skim if you must but I just wanted to let you all know how things are going.

I am still happy with my everything around me. My situation with friends and school has been just fine. I’ve just been struggling with myself. I haven’t been happy with my body. I know I should be. Trust me. I know. I have been running lots of races and doing good at it but I have an urge to lose a little weight. Just 5 lbs. That’s what I keep telling myself. Just 5 lbs. But last time I said that, the 5 lbs turned into 20 and I don’t want to go down that road again. One of my roommates wants to lose some weight so of course that has been on my mind. I have been able to overcome this feeling so many times. I have been able to use my rational side to push away the ED. But for some reason, it’s sticking around this time. I feel myself restricting again. Going towards the fruits and vegetables because they are “safe” food. Cutting away carbs and fats because they scare the crap out of me. But then I get hungry. And what do I do? I push it away. I will have a piece of fruit to curb that hunger. Then when I do have some sort of carb or fat, I dwell on it. Not as bad as last time. But it still happens. Like yesterday, I started planning my meals again. I can have this carb at this time and this protein at this time. I am able to push it away sometimes but then other times, I have this nagging urge to lose weight. I see pictures of myself when I was skinnier and I think how I want to be like that again. But then I think about how much I hated life. I keep trying to push those thoughts away but it’s just hard. No matter how hard I try, ED can just be stronger at times. It just sticks in my mind…no matter how far I’ve come.

Don’t get me wrong. I still believe how horrible the media sucks, how the scale sucks, and how weight should not matter. I know it sounds hypocritical and doesn’t make sense but EDs don’t make sense.

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19 thoughts on “a wordy post

  1. ED is an illness just like diabetes and high blood pressure. (Would you blame a person who has high blood pressure that her BP is too high?)
    But recognizing the fact that you are getting those feelings again is a great start to nipping it. Do you have a counselor or professional you can talk to?

  2. I think it’s great you’re more aware of yourself this time. That takes a lot of strength, kudos my friend.
    I’ll keep you in my prayers as you go through this rough patch, you CAN beat these negative thoughts. I know you won’t give in to that voice, you’re so much healthier and happier now girl! Keep your head up and just remember how far you’ve come! πŸ™‚

  3. Hey you! I’m reading between the lines here………….does your wonderful family know your recent struggles with yourself? As the ‘Savvy Sister’ mentioned do you have a counselor or professional to talk with? I’ve noticed your blog just a few short days ago and your inspiration with your life, goals and family have inspired me! Your post tonight concerns me. Don’t beat yourself up. I’ve got a son that has struggled with drug addiction for 3 years, that is now doing well in a program that he has ‘taken’ to. I’ve sent him your blog hoping to inspire him more as he battles his disease. If you need someone to talk to send me a note, I’ll send my address on your email.

    You’ve got a ton of supporters!!!!!

    • hey bob-
      my family doesn’t know much about my recent struggles but i do see a therapist every week so that is helpful. i’m so glad that my blog has helped inspire you! that is my goal in life…to inspire people. and i will keep your son in my prayers.

      • Haley,
        In your ‘about me’ page, you wrote………….

        β–  “I love my family more than anything. My mom is my best friend in this entire world.”
        …………just sayin’ as a parent, might be time to let mom know what’s going on.

        Stay strong and focused.

  4. I know you know this but DON’T DO IT. I have just been diagnosed with an eating disorder this weekend and I am going through hell right now. I feel like I am fragile enough to break. Remember as a long distance runner and athlete, you need more weight on you than your roommate probably does. Just DON’T DO IT. All I want right now is to be a normal weight, my body is literally craaaaving being bigger. Please please please, don’t put yourself through it again.

    • I am ping through the same things it like I I have s carb here I can’t have one here or I should only eat veggies for dinner it literally makes me cry ALL the time and snap on the ones I love most

  5. Pingback: WI(pinned)W | Health Freak College Girl

  6. Haley, it’s great that you are able to be honest and I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time lately. Sometimes I find it really scary how fast the ED thoughts can start – just when you feel like everything’s finally under control.

    Just remember how hard you’ve worked to get healthy and be able to do all these amazing races! I’m in awe.

    Take care and hang in there!

  7. I have faith in you, girly! I’ve never had an ED, so I can’t speak from experience, but you sound like a strong person for having fought your way back from it before. We all have times when we’re unhappy with ourselves, so do your best to realize what you love about yourself and your healthier lifestyle πŸ™‚

  8. you’re right, ED’s arent rational. Hang in there girly! you’re brave to even be coming forward about this on your blog, and I can tell you have a good head on those (strong) shoulders. We’re all here for support – and will all tell you truthfully that you’re beautiful WITH “those five pounds”! ❀ πŸ™‚

  9. Its never worth it. I try to visualize all the things that got better after recovery…like being able to race and socialize etc. I deff know how you feel when you think you look like crap. I usually try to do something that gives me a sense of accomplishment even if its just a crossword or sudoku. It helps me πŸ™‚

  10. ED gives us a false sense of comfort but at the same time makes our lives miserable. Speaking from experience those self destructive thoughts may always be there but remember how strong you are. Every time you fight off those thoughts you win!

  11. Haley,I admire you for your honesty. It’s good you know that what you are doing is NO good at all and that it’s the WRONG way. On top of that,it’s even better you were able to write down your thoughts because sometimimes,that really helps to clear ones mind.
    However,I know that you’re strong & I know you can go through this. Don’t give up,girl,you have made it so far and nothing would be worth to go back again!

  12. Pingback: for the love of peanut butter | Health Freak College Girl

  13. I feel terrible. I got your tweet about this and then when I logged online to look at it completely forgot. I’m sorry. But I know what you mean and know how you feel. I’ve been that way for a few weeks now and then my fam just threw halloween candy at me and bleh! It’s hard but you have to push through it and eat. I read a wonderful post yesterday about eating “comfort foods” in the winter more because it’s cold and your body is working harder to stay warm. How it’s totally okay to. Don’t dwell on eating a carb or fat unless you’re thinking about how delicious it was! You’re gonna be ok. You’re strong, I know you can do it.

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