You guys are amazing. Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. Your comments make my day. I am almost in tears by the time I am done reading the comments because a) you guys are awesome and b) it makes me realize how amazing life is and how stupid ED is. I love you guys. Thank you thank you thank youuu!!!!!
Of course, there was anxiety about going away to school. 9 hours is a long way. I came up to school with such a good attitude. My mom was so proud of me for the way I was handling the entire situation.
The first week of school was great. I was meeting new people and having a ton of fun. Then basketball started. We had practice for 2 hrs in the morning and 3 hours in the afternoon. That meant I was waking up at 5:30am every single morning. On top of that, I had no time to do homework, hang out with friends, or even relax. And this was just pre-season. This is when the depression started up again.
All I would want to do was crawl into my bed and not talk to anybody. I dreaded going to practice and that is never the way one should feel about something. I knew I should have been happier because I was at school on a scholarship. How could I just let that opportunity go? So I kept up with basketball for about two weeks. The more tired I got, the worse the depression got.
One night after practice, I called my mom, in tears. I was so tired. I hated life. I just wanted it all to end. My mom was trying to calm me down but all I could say was, “I want it all to end. I want it all to end.” I got help for my depression before, but it had gotten better. Then, I said, “Don’t be surprised if I am found dead in my room.” Right when I said that, my mom and dad were looking online for flights for me to come home. I didn’t want to come home though because that meant I was weak, that I failed at something. But then again, I truly did want it all to end.
So that night, I took a flight home. I ended up staying home for a week. That was the most emotional week of my life. Many options were thrown my way. A unanimous decision was made though: I would quite basketball. One thought my therapist had was for me to go into inpatient. She did not want me to hurt myself, and I felt the same way. At first, I was going to go into an inpatient program for about 30 days. This was a scary thought for me because I didn’t want to gain weight, I didn’t want to be away for so long, and I didn’t want to miss out on school. (I would had to miss the entire semester due to medical leave.) So another proposal was brought up: go back up to school with my mom staying at a hotel nearby, kind of like a test run. This one sparked my interest.
So a week later, I was back up to school. No basketball. Only school. My mom was nearby just in case anything went wrong. But nothing happened. I was…happy. I loved life. And you know why? Because I took such a huge stress out of my life. Sure, I thought I disappointed people. But wouldn’t they be more disappointed if I killed myself? Plus, the most important thing was that I was happy. And guess what…I am. I have never been happier. Just when I thought that getting a scholarship would mean happiness, it all changed.
I am happy to say that I have never been happier. I love life. At times, I cannot believe that I had such dark thoughts. But now, I am happy. So why look at the past? I can say with confidence that my past has made me who I am today. I am more mature, confident, and thankful than before.
Would I change my past? No. Because my past has defined me as a person.
I still see a therapist (the depression ordeal happened less than a month ago) but I feel happier than ever and would not change a thing.
As of right now, my goal is to get off of the medication. I have been on it for about 5 months and it is to manage anxiety and depression. And sadly, the dosage has gone up. But I will be off of it one day!
I hope this has helped anybody out there who has struggled. Just remember, you are never ever alone. You can contact me or anybody else in this great blogging community. Stay strong and remember you are beautiful ❤