my eating disorder story part 3 (the last part)

You guys are amazing. Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. Your comments make my day. I am almost in tears by the time I am done reading the comments because a) you guys are awesome and b) it makes me realize how amazing life is and how stupid ED is. I love you guys. Thank you thank you thank youuu!!!!!

You can read about part 1 and part 2 here and here. Last we left off, life was good and I was heading off to college.

Of course, there was anxiety about going away to school. 9 hours is a long way. I came up to school with such a good attitude. My mom was so proud of me for the way I was handling the entire situation.

The first week of school was great. I was meeting new people and having a ton of fun. Then basketball started. We had practice for 2 hrs in the morning and 3 hours in the afternoon. That meant I was waking up at 5:30am every single morning. On top of that, I had no time to do homework, hang out with friends, or even relax. And this was just pre-season. This is when the depression started up again.

All I would want to do was crawl into my bed and not talk to anybody. I dreaded going to practice and that is never the way one should feel about something. I knew I should have been happier because I was at school on a scholarship. How could I just let that opportunity go? So I kept up with basketball for about two weeks. The more tired I got, the worse the depression got.

One night after practice, I called my mom, in tears. I was so tired. I hated life. I just wanted it all to end. My mom was trying to calm me down but all I could say was, “I want it all to end. I want it all to end.” I got help for my depression before, but it had gotten better. Then, I said, “Don’t be surprised if I am found dead in my room.” Right when I said that, my mom and dad were looking online for flights for me to come home. I didn’t want to come home though because that meant I was weak, that I failed at something. But then again, I truly did want it all to end.

So that night, I took a flight home. I ended up staying home for a week. That was the most emotional week of my life. Many options were thrown my way. A unanimous decision was made though: I would quite basketball. One thought my therapist had was for me to go into inpatient. She did not want me to hurt myself, and I felt the same way. At first, I was going to go into an inpatient program for about 30 days. This was a scary thought for me because I didn’t want to gain weight, I didn’t want to be away for so long, and I didn’t want to miss out on school. (I would had to miss the entire semester due to medical leave.) So another proposal was brought up: go back up to school with my mom staying at a hotel nearby, kind of like a test run. This one sparked my interest.

So a week later, I was back up to school. No basketball. Only school. My mom was nearby just in case anything went wrong. But nothing happened. I was…happy. I loved life. And you know why? Because I took such a huge stress out of my life. Sure, I thought I disappointed people. But wouldn’t they be more disappointed if I killed myself? Plus, the most important thing was that I was happy. And guess what…I am. I have never been happier. Just when I thought that getting a scholarship would mean happiness, it all changed.

I am happy to say that I have never been happier. I love life. At times, I cannot believe that I had such dark thoughts. But now, I am happy. So why look at the past? I can say with confidence that my past has made me who I am today. I am more mature, confident, and thankful than before.

Would I change my past? No. Because my past has defined me as a person.

I still see a therapist (the depression ordeal happened less than a month ago) but I feel happier than ever and would not change a thing.

As of right now, my goal is to get off of the medication. I have been on it for about 5 months and it is to manage anxiety and depression. And sadly, the dosage has gone up. But I will be off of it one day!

I hope this has helped anybody out there who has struggled. Just remember, you are never ever alone. You can contact me or anybody else in this great blogging community. Stay strong and remember you are beautiful ❀

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30 thoughts on “my eating disorder story part 3 (the last part)

  1. “And sadly, the dosage has gone up. But I will be off of it one day!”….As a nurse, I can tell you wanting to get off the meds is a good goal, but don’t look at your meds as a weakness or anything like that. Your goal should be to feel happy and be productive. On or off meds it really doesn’t matter.
    So glad you have that “inner strength” that not many can say they have.
    Stay well!

  2. YAY for being HAPPY! You were so smart to quit basketball! Nothing is worth that much misery! It sounds like you have an amazing support network! That is awesome! You are so strong and WONDERFUL!

    I remember reading that for people that fight depression, anti-depressants are like glasses. Do you HAVE to wear glasses to function?–no. But do glasses make your life 1000% better and easier? YES! You may not always need to “wear glasses” but you don’t need to be in a rush to get rid of them. Be sweet to yourself!

  3. This is what I love about the blogging community…you always have someone you can emphasize with.
    I really have enjoyed reading about your journey to where you are now. After all you’ve been through to come out the other end is incredible πŸ™‚
    Stay Strong!

  4. I just read all three parts of your story and WOW you have come such a far ways from the start!! What an amazing journey, and even more amazing how open you have been with this entire process, letting it all out will help you heal 100%, you are unbelievably strong and a huge inspiration! Keep on being happy pretty girl because you deserve it!

  5. Thank you for sharing such a touching and emotional story with us. You are so strong to be able to face your demons and conquer them. I am so happy you had all of the support you needed during such a rough time. You have all of lifes happiness’ waiting for you!

  6. Wow this is an amazing post. Seriously thanks for sharing. I know its hard to put yourself out there to the world, but really a great thing to learn from. I’m so glad that you are happier now!

  7. thanks for your sharing your story! i love this line in particular, “Would I change my past? No. Because my past has defined me as a person.” – and i totally agree, i think when we struggle we also learn about ourselves, we grow in the process, and we are that much better for it in the future. so glad that you’ve come to a point where youre enjoying and loving life!

  8. I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!! wow this must have been tough to share on the world wide web, but seriously I’m like sitting here reading this and cheeriing for you lol!! It definitely takes guts to give up a responsibility like basketball – it feels like you’re letting people down. I had to make a similar decision my junior year actually: I was pre-med, but the stress of all the schoolwork + the mcat, applications and all the extracurricular stuff I had to do was just SO oppressive and I wasn’t happy. In the end I had to decide that becoming a doctor was not worth that kind of life to me! I definitely felt like I disappointed my advisors, professors, parents etc – but I was so much happier after I changed my career plans, and THAT’s what matters.

    SO proud of you for making that decision!!! And as for the meds – don’t be ashamed about them or anything. Some peoplle stay on them for life because….well some people’s body chemistry makes less of those feel-good hormones than other people, and that’s ok! Just focus on staying positive – and you’re doing an amazing job – and hey now you have a blog so you have a million extra friends to share things with! πŸ™‚ ❀

  9. You are so strong, Haley. It makes me so happy to see you conquering your ED and being so real about it. You have so much love and light in you, girl! πŸ™‚

  10. I really appreciate the last bit about how it’s not all over yet, it’s just starting to be over. I keep waiting to be able to talk in retrospects, and that day when I can tell everybody what happenED and how everything is over and great. But really, it’s okay that it’s not. I’m working on the upswing part, and starting to realize that part of getting there is acknowledging where I am right now, and owning that part. Be it good, bad, or embarrassing. So many blogs I follow have people’s stories in the far past, but hearing someone mention things that really aren’t quite over is really what I’ve been wanting to relate to. Thanks. ALSOO
    i am a healthfreakcollegegirl πŸ™‚ just starting to realize the little community of health- blogging college students and find it so cool!

    • i love your attitude! even though i still struggle, i am learning to love myself for all my ups and downs πŸ™‚

  11. You’re whole ED sounds a lot like mine. I had one during the summer before my senior year and all throughout. Luckily, I have recovered, but sometimes you just want to stop everything and go back to the old ways. Your story is very inspiring and I am glad you are happy and recovered πŸ™‚

  12. Hey! I’ve stumbled on this post a while after you’ve written it, but just wanted to give you a virtual high five for it. EDs are tough… It has been 8 years of recovery for me and not easy ( but soooo worth it) I want to chime in and encourage you to be ok with the long term possibility of being on the meds. I have been on mine for the past 8 years and they have been an important tool for me in recovery. It is not a weakness…it is being smart and using the tools available to help you become and stay healthy, happy, and whole. Keep pushing forward. Here is another high five for being so honest and open. I can really relate πŸ™‚

  13. I just found your blog through Ali’s and just read ED Parts 1, 2, and 3. You are so incredibly strong to write out this story.. I have yet to be able to write it on my own blog. I suffered with my ED (I called it AnaMia… Anorexia with Exercise Bulimia and Binge/Purge tendencies) during my junior and senior years of college and although now I’ve “recovered”, it still haunts me every day. Only people who have gone through it really understand what it’s like and your three posts are so inspirational. I am so glad to hear that you are happy and healthy. Keep it up – the world is brighter because you are in it.

    xo Marie
    Chocolate & Wine

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