You can read all about part 1 here. Last we left off, I had seen a picture of myself where I thought I looked fat.
In order to lose some weight, I would restrict myself throughout the day. But as the day got later, I would become hungrier, wanting foods that I had restricted such as carbs or fats. That’s when I turned to binging and purging. It started out simple, throwing up about once a week. Then it got progressively worse…about once, twice a day. This went on for about a month. Nobody knew. In fact, nobody suspected a thing. Once my body couldn’t take it anymore, I turned towards food journaling to help lose weight. By this time, it was the beginning of summer.
I would write down every single thing that passed my lips. For example, I would measure the ingredients in my omelet: 25g spinach, 10g onion, 34g mushroom, 75g egg whites, and so on. Then I would go online and look up the calorie content of those foods. I was completely cutting out fats and most carbs from my diet. Egg whites, fruit, vegetables, and chicken were my best friend. I would still fall back on binging and purging, but only about once every week or two.
On top of the food journaling, I was also excessively exercising. High school basketball in the morning, run in the afternoon, and club practice at night. This is what my day consisted of 5-6 days a week. Food journaling+excessive exercise=not a good combination.
This went on for the entire summer before senior year. So senior year was here and it was my time to shine if I wanted to get a basketball scholarship. In my mind, that meant the pressure was on to be “perfect.”
On September 16, my friend had a surprise birthday party. At the party, all I ate was carrots and chicken. That night, my friend texted me and said that she wanted to talk to me. In the back of my mind, I knew what she wanted to talk to me about. So the next day, she told me how she was worried about me. How I looked to thin and unhealthy. How she wanted the old me back. I automatically broke down. I told her about my bulimic past and anorexic tendencies. At practice that day, I could not concentrate, and my coach noticed. She pulled me aside and once again, I broke down. She gave me an ultimatum: tell my parents or she will tell them for me. So I left practice early and waited nervously for my mom to come home.
When my mom came home, she could tell that something was wrong. I told her the truth and she was more supportive more than I could have ever asked for. Later, when my dad came home, my mom broke the news to him because I could not face him.
About a week went by until I was able to get help by a therapist and nutritionist. At the therapist appointment, I was scared, stubborn, and unwilling to face the fact that I had lost 20 lbs. But after a few weeks, I opened up and was so thankful to have gotten help.
Of course, I did not always feel like this. There were days where I just wanted to crawl under a rock and then other days where I wanted to beat the disease. There were relapses, there were wins, there were tears, there were smiles, friends were lost, and friends were made.
As I was coming to the end of my senior, I was over the moon with happiness. I had gotten a basketball scholarship. All my hard work finally paid off. The summer after high school (this past summer) was even good. I made hugeeee strides with my eating disorder. I was finally able to eat nut butters. I thought I had it all under control.
To be continued…
Thank you guys so much for reading. It means so much to me. You are ALL beautiful and amazing ❤