Hey guysss. This post is going to be a little bit more serious than all my others so if you just want to skip over it, I totally understand. Today, I wanted to talk to you guys about my eating disorder. I have mentioned it a few times but have never gone into depth about it. Before I start my story, there are two things I want you guys to know:
- I will never post pictures during my lowest weight, or even during my recovery process. I feel like that can be very triggering.
- I will never say my lowest, highest, or current weight.
Okay…so here we go.
I have always been healthy and active. At one point, I was playing both club basketball and club soccer. Being active helped me be able to eat normal things and still stay a healthy weight. While growing up, my sister was overweight. She is two years older than me and I have and will always look up to her. I remember her always being teased and it tearing my heart. She continuously tried diets such as Weight Watcher, the Atkins diet, or the cabbage soup diet. None of those worked. Finally, in her sophomore year of high school, she was able to take control of her weight and lose 100 lbs. Now, she is at a happy weight. She enjoys to eat healthy and exercise. But there was something always in the back of my mind…like I didn’t want to be made fun of like her if I ever began to gain weight.
Throughout middle school, I would constantly try to lose weight. I would go on a diet on a week. I would throw the bread away on my sandwiches, eat 100 calorie packs, run on the treadmill excessively, and weigh myself often. None of this ever got to the point of having to worry. But I guess it just stayed with me…
When high school came, I decided to quite soccer and only focus on basketball. Freshman year, I was on the JV team as a starter, and everything was fine. Then sophomore year came and I was moved up to the varsity team as a starter. There was constant pressure to be perfect, to score the most points, win the most games. There was even pressure to hold the team up. When the season ended, our coach wanted us to write down every single thing we ate with the calories and protein content. I took this to heart because I wrote down every bite I chewed. After the end of about two months, we had to turn the food journals into the coach. Luckily, the coach was fired later that year and we got a new coach, one that would change my life.
The first part of junior year went surprisingly well. No eating disorder, no depression. All was good. Then we had the basketball awards. I got MVP, so I should have been happy. I was…until I saw a picture of me on Facebook the next day. When I saw the picture, I began to cry. I looked fat. I thought to myself, “How did I let myself get like that?” So I commented on the picture and said, “Wow, I look like a whale.” Then one of my friends, jokingly, commented back, “You should probably lay off the frozen yogurt Haley.” But I took it as anything but a joke. That’s when it all began.
That’s all for today. I know…cliffhanger. Sorry for no pics or food to look at but I felt like this was something I needed to finally come face to face with on my blog. Thanks for reading. You guys are all great ❤