difficult decisions

Well I’m back. That doesn’t mean that everything is peachy. This past week has been very emotional. My mom called me a week or so ago and told me that she knew I have been struggling. (How do moms do that??) She said that she could tell by the tone in my voice. Since she already knew I had been feeling bad, I told her the truth.

The truth:

1) I was miserable. I was more lonely than ever and my eating disorder/depression were not getting any better.

2) I wanted to go home.

3) I had been throwing up again. (Yep. I blew my new year’s resolution.)

4) I was depressed. But I fought through it and flushed the pills down the toilet.

Of course, that is nothing that a parent wants to hear. She calmed me down and told me that everything would be okay. She then gave me a couple of options: I could come home and go to the community college or I could fight through the year. My first though was to come home. I just wanted to be home with my family again. Since I couldn’t make such a big decision over the phone, my mom made plans to come up for the weekend. 

We went to see my therapist together and we looked at the pros and cons of each decision. Leaving the appointment, I was still set on going home. I was beyond unhappy with many things about my current school: I didn’t have many friends and I wasn’t happy with the major. Here are a couple of other things about the school:

1) I feel like I decided on the school way too fast. Basically, I heard about the school one day, we were visiting it the next, and then a few days later, I was signing to play on the basketball team.

2) They don’t have the major that I am truly passionate about. They have kinesiology which focuses more on exercise. As much as I love exercising, I have more of a passion for nutrition.

I wish I would have gone with my heart when making my college decision. Instead, I wanted to make people proud and have the chance to say that I got a basketball scholarship (and we all know how that worked out…).

If I did decide to go home, I would have to go to the community college next year as well. But if I stayed the year and stuck it out, I could go away again next year because I showed how I fought through and was strong.

Even though I had my heart set on going home, I ultimately decided to stay. After looking at the calendar, I realized that I actually have a lot coming up this semester. I have a few triathlons, a mud run, and other random events. I am also coming home a couple times a month which is good. 

I can fight through this. I know I can. Since getting out of my dorm with my mom, I have been so much happier. Like my mom said, I need to just get out. Even if that means going to San Francisco for the day by myself, just get out. All I need to do is get through the year.

So what am I going to do next year then? Transfer. I don’t want to stay at my current school at all. Not that it isn’t a good school or anything. It’s just not for me. The major is not what I want to do. So where am I transferring to? There are a few options but I’m not certain yet. I have one place where I reallyyyy want to go though. It’s actually the place I wanted to go in the first place back in high school, but then the basketball scholarship came up. (See? I should have listened to my heart.) I will probably visit a few other places over spring break too, just to make sure what my options are.

Not gonna lie, I’m actually pretty excited for this upcoming semester. I know what you’re thinking, “Uhhh Haley? You were just saying that you were miserable.” I know, I know. But after sitting down and looking at the calendar with my mom, I actually have a lot to look forward to:

-San Diego Triathlon
-Stanford Triathlon
-Former Basketball Coach’s Wedding
-Expo West 
-Cal Poly Triathlon
-Spring Break
-US Half Marathon #2 (Possibly)
-Mud Run
-LAST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!!
-San Diego Rock & Roll Half or Full Marathon (Possibly)
-Portland to bring my sis back from school
-Family Vacation  

So I just got to keep fighting. Plus my school schedule is pretty awesome now. I dropped my Kinesiology class because I don’t want to do that anymore and now I only have one class a day, Tuesday thru Thursday. It’s awesome. 

Before I leave this very wordy post, I just wanted to thank everybody for their support. All the comments, emails, and tweets were beyond amazing. Thank you thank you thank you!

What are you looking forward to this semester/year? 

18 thoughts on “difficult decisions

  1. That sounds like a good, solid plan. You CAN make it through this semester and in the ways that it can be enjoyable, it will. I’m sorry you’ve been struggling so bad but you are fighting hard. Unfortunately, it’s just part of the process.
    I have no idea what I’m looking forward to this year. I’m in the same boat as you and just have to keep fighting. I did move home though a few months ago and it was the best decision.

  2. You are awesome! & it’s really great that you decided to stick through this semester! :) I know sometimes things in college can get hard, because they have definitely gotten hard for me at one point. I wa miserable last semester, but the only way to get to the end is to go through. You have so many things to look forward to and that’s awesome! I’m looking forward to my first half marathon this April!

  3. Wow. Thanks for being so honest in this post, Haley! I think that’s really awesome of you.

    While I haven’t ever really been in your exact position, I do understand a little bit of where you’re coming from. I had a really rough first two years in college pretty much entirely because I felt like I had no friends. It’s super tough to be in that kind of environment. I don’t really have a whole lot of advice on that end because my situation improved mostly because of improved living situations, but I guess what I do have to offer is that that whole experience both made me stronger and more independent as an individual and taught me a lot about the importance of relationships. I learned how much I need to put effort into relationships to maintain them, which isn’t always the easiest thing to do but definitely has helped me out these past two years. Not to say that you’re not putting effort into your relationships or anything like that…it’s just what I got out of my situation. I’m all about finding lessons in hard times :)

    I think having so many things to look forward to will also help you out. Keep your focus on those things! Just take it day by day. I’ll be thinking about you! *cyber hugs*

  4. You are beyond amazing friend, I admire you so much for seeing a problem, making a plan, and tackling it head on. I transferred after my first year too, but it was kind of a combo of bad things along with not liking the school…
    You’ll find your fit in no time, I just know it :) You deserve to pursue the major YOU want, the life YOU want, and the dreams YOU have– ED can’t take that from you! Keep staying strong and fighting, we’re all here to be your cheerleaders!!!
    Lots of love :)

  5. I TOTALLY understand where you’re coming from! A few years ago, I was in a very similar situation. It was freshman year and my parents made me stick out the year, but eventually I transferred. And now? Even though sometimes I miss it a little bit, my life is SO much better now that I’m where I want to be. I was suffering from depression at the first school and just transferring and getting out of that atmosphere really helped me. Good luck :) I hope you find where you’re supposed to be.

  6. So glad things are starting to work out for you. It sounds like you have a great plan for the rest of the year and a bunch of things to really look forward to. I think you’ve made a great decision to transfer next year, I’m sure you’ll be SO much happier at whatever school you end up at.

    Best of luck <3

  7. I was a transfer student after my freshman year too! I was miserable at my first school, but stuck out the year and then spent the next three years at the college of my dreams. Sometimes it just takes more than one try to find the BEST place for you!! and of course I have to say that you should check out William & Mary to transfer to – its far from your home but possibly one of the most welcoming communities I’ve ever known :).

    I’m really proud of you for making this decision – I know how tough it is, staying in a place you don’t like AND actually putting transferring into action- its a lot to handle. But like I said, you’re strong and sassy and you’ve TOTALLY go this. <3

  8. Glad you have a plan for what to do this semester. Really sorry things with your current school aren’t working out but at least you know that and you’re going to stay for the semester and do what you can then transfer for a fresh start. You are right, you have a lot to look forward to this semester and hopefully it won’t be so bad and will prepare you for what’s to come.

    Also, it sounds like you have a really loving and supportive family… definitely be thankful for that. It’s a dream for so many people out there…

  9. I am so proud of you, Haley. I know it must have been really hard to make that decision, but I know you can do it. I’m glad that you’re finding out what you really want to do — to follow your dreams. I know you can make it through this semester. and after the semester, you can GO to your dream college and study what you truly love. You are so strong, Haley. I know you can do it. :)

  10. I am so very proud of you,Haley. It’s amazing how you were able to actually think rationally when feeling depressed and miserable; I know that’s a hard thing to do,believe me!
    Your decision sounds like a really good one and I hope everything works out for you until you finally go home and set your mind on something new. I know you can get through this semester,you’re one of the strongest persons I’ve ever met and I’m absolutely convinced you’ll be able to do it! Hold on to the positive things you mentioned above and you’ll see,the time will go by much faster as you thought it would. :)
    And please,don’t give up because you relapsed concerning throwing up. It’s okay. Forgive yourself and make a new start. Who says it needs a new year to make a good resolution? I think it rather needs the WILL to change something. And you have the will,haven’t you?

    A big hug from Germany! :)

  11. That is great that you have a plan. I hope this semester treats you well. It’s always nice to just get out and take a break when you feel like you need it, too. And the year is almost over so you don’t have to wait too much longer. You are so strong and amazing and I hope everything goes great for you!

  12. Hey, i’ve never commented before, but I just wanted to say well done you! I’m so happy for you and I hope the next few months goes exactly how you want it to!
    Charlotte, in the UK :) xx

  13. Wow girl you are so strong for choosing to stay and fight through the rest of the year. I really admire you! :) And it sounds like you know what you want now, which is great. I can really relate to you here – when I was in a program I didn’t like, I was really depressed and my ED was at its worst. But it’s amazing how happy I am in my new program and new campus. I hope the same happens for you! <3 But until then, I hope you make the best of this semester. It sounds like you have some exciting things coming up. And I completely agree with your mom – it really helps just to get out and explore the city, go shopping, etc by yourself. It makes me feel really alive, if that makes sense! Anyways, good luck girl and love you!!! xoxo

  14. HALEY. I want to hug you right now. Seriously – you have fought so hard and I think your strength is amazing. I don’t know if I could make the decision that you did. Staying out there is probably going to be tough, but you are going to rock those races and this remaining semester. When you’re lonely – we’re all here for you. I think you would do awesome if you could find a school with a triathlon club or something where you could meet like minded people and study nutrition. I’m really curious as to what you are going to do and hope that you can find something that works! Again, your bravery astounds me. Keep being amazing and conquering those demons.

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