Well I’m back. That doesn’t mean that everything is peachy. This past week has been very emotional. My mom called me a week or so ago and told me that she knew I have been struggling. (How do moms do that??) She said that she could tell by the tone in my voice. Since she already knew I had been feeling bad, I told her the truth.
1) I was miserable. I was more lonely than ever and my eating disorder/depression were not getting any better.
2) I wanted to go home.
3) I had been throwing up again. (Yep. I blew my new year’s resolution.)
4) I was depressed. But I fought through it and flushed the pills down the toilet.
Of course, that is nothing that a parent wants to hear. She calmed me down and told me that everything would be okay. She then gave me a couple of options: I could come home and go to the community college or I could fight through the year. My first though was to come home. I just wanted to be home with my family again. Since I couldn’t make such a big decision over the phone, my mom made plans to come up for the weekend.
We went to see my therapist together and we looked at the pros and cons of each decision. Leaving the appointment, I was still set on going home. I was beyond unhappy with many things about my current school: I didn’t have many friends and I wasn’t happy with the major. Here are a couple of other things about the school:
1) I feel like I decided on the school way too fast. Basically, I heard about the school one day, we were visiting it the next, and then a few days later, I was signing to play on the basketball team.
2) They don’t have the major that I am truly passionate about. They have kinesiology which focuses more on exercise. As much as I love exercising, I have more of a passion for nutrition.
I wish I would have gone with my heart when making my college decision. Instead, I wanted to make people proud and have the chance to say that I got a basketball scholarship (and we all know how that worked out…).
If I did decide to go home, I would have to go to the community college next year as well. But if I stayed the year and stuck it out, I could go away again next year because I showed how I fought through and was strong.
Even though I had my heart set on going home, I ultimately decided to stay. After looking at the calendar, I realized that I actually have a lot coming up this semester. I have a few triathlons, a mud run, and other random events. I am also coming home a couple times a month which is good.
I can fight through this. I know I can. Since getting out of my dorm with my mom, I have been so much happier. Like my mom said, I need to just get out. Even if that means going to San Francisco for the day by myself, just get out. All I need to do is get through the year.
So what am I going to do next year then? Transfer. I don’t want to stay at my current school at all. Not that it isn’t a good school or anything. It’s just not for me. The major is not what I want to do. So where am I transferring to? There are a few options but I’m not certain yet. I have one place where I reallyyyy want to go though. It’s actually the place I wanted to go in the first place back in high school, but then the basketball scholarship came up. (See? I should have listened to my heart.) I will probably visit a few other places over spring break too, just to make sure what my options are.
Not gonna lie, I’m actually pretty excited for this upcoming semester. I know what you’re thinking, “Uhhh Haley? You were just saying that you were miserable.” I know, I know. But after sitting down and looking at the calendar with my mom, I actually have a lot to look forward to:
-San Diego Triathlon
-Former Basketball Coach’s Wedding
-Cal Poly Triathlon
-US Half Marathon #2 (Possibly)
-LAST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!!
-San Diego Rock & Roll Half or Full Marathon (Possibly)
-Portland to bring my sis back from school
So I just got to keep fighting. Plus my school schedule is pretty awesome now. I dropped my Kinesiology class because I don’t want to do that anymore and now I only have one class a day, Tuesday thru Thursday. It’s awesome.
Before I leave this very wordy post, I just wanted to thank everybody for their support. All the comments, emails, and tweets were beyond amazing. Thank you thank you thank you!
What are you looking forward to this semester/year?